Intimate affairs: The juicy power of the other room – Funke Egbemode

Funke Egbemode

Intimate affairs: The juicy power of the other room – Funke Egbemode

The other room is the most important room in the home and in any woman’s life. Every woman knows that. So, don’t mind those who are pretending to be holier than the sacred sanctuary. It’s okay to have powers in and over the other rooms, but a woman who does not know how to wield the influence derivable and derived from the other room is indeed a powerless woman.

Yes, the power of the boardroom is plenty power. But what is the power of the boardroom without the power of the bedroom? At best, the power of the boardroom is transient. It is power that can be wrested from your hands in one board meeting. It is power you can be suspended or retired from. Without your entitlements too! But the real influence of the other room is sweet, and long-lasting. Even when a woman gets promoted to the position of a first wife, she only shares that power with the new entrant, she does not have to relinquish it altogether. There would still be things the new wife will not happen on or know just because she knows how to apply her make-up. A woman who has lived with her man for 20 straight years most certainly knows where all the buttons are on that body and how to insert the right keys to open the right doors. A new wife, yes, knows how to manipulate current ring-back tunes and his caller tunes because the man was sneaking in at weekends to chop-and-clean-mouth, it is still the licensed owner of the other room who knows how to wake the giant up from the deepest slumber. But let’s not wait too long at that bus stop.

Moving on, every woman must know and use the power of the other room. It is the power you hold tightly, girls. You sit tight on it. It is not democratic power. It is monarchical. You hold on to it until death do you part. Oh yes.

A friend once told me how she used to do extra duty on her husband any time he announced he was going to be working late or going for a management retreat out of town. She would do an all-nighter in the other room. She would coax him up and ensure he gave a good account of himself the night before. Then she would ice the cake with a long-drawn-out dawn work-out in the morning and then let him leave the other room, spent and thoroughly used. She knew ‘bros’ was a strong man but when a man has been thoroughly dealt with at night and in the morning, the ‘conference materials’ will have to do more than struggle to wake the giant up. Right. If you ask me, every wife of every busy man should give their men a good work-out in the other room to ensure the guys have less wild oats to sow. Get some of the juice for yourself. How smart can you claim to be if you clean a gun for hours, load it with bullets, cock it and then you let him go shoot it somewhere else? Babe, you are all the shooting range he needs. Let him practise all he wants in the other room.

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Talking about shooting range, too many women voluntarily retire from the other room and still expect to continue to wield influence over ‘oga’. It does not make sense. You are either in the other room or you are outside it. No woman can stay outside that powerful room and remain powerful. That is why I said that this matter is not a democracy. You have no term or tenure. Play your politics right and stay put. Do whatever you need to do. It is a war and all is fair in war. Play fair only when it suits you. When you need to go the extra mile to keep your place and ‘oga’ in the other room, plaster a designer smile on your face and do what you need to do. Just remind yourself of your wedding vows and what the holy books say…

But is the other room the only room of influence? Some say the kitchen is also important. They underscore that with one suspicious saying: the best way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. Seriously? I do not buy that line. Fine, they told us all kinds of things when we were getting married but the things we have all learnt on the job are unquantifiable. Who drew the map that linked the stomach of a man to his heart? Let us be sincere, that kind of road network is suspect. What kind of geography is that? And if you still doubt that kitchen theory, ask why wives, women employ cooks and house-helps for the kitchen and no woman wants to be helped in the other room. Ah ah, my point exactly. The superior room is the other room. Everybody is welcome in the kitchen. The other room? No.

A lot of work, of course, goes into keeping your space in the other room. Plenty of sweat and long nights. No woman should let all that go to waste, after all, the bible said that we shall eat the fruit of our labour. Whatever cannot be fixed in the other rooms must find solution in the other room. Whatever a babe can’t fix through her man’s stomach, she must fix behind closed doors. Whatever argument a woman can’t win with long logic in the living room, she must take to the other room for final adjudication. You see, it is in that room, only in the other room, that a woman gets to play judge and jury. It is one place where a woman can baptise her husband, pray for him and God watches you both and clap and smile and say, well done, my daughter. See how divinely appointed the other room is!