Opinion
Intimate affairs: The juicy power of the other room – Funke Egbemode
Intimate affairs: The juicy power of the other room – Funke Egbemode
The other room is the most important room in the home and in any woman’s life. Every woman knows that. So, don’t mind those who are pretending to be holier than the sacred sanctuary. It’s okay to have powers in and over the other rooms, but a woman who does not know how to wield the influence derivable and derived from the other room is indeed a powerless woman.
Yes, the power of the boardroom is plenty power. But what is the power of the boardroom without the power of the bedroom? At best, the power of the boardroom is transient. It is power that can be wrested from your hands in one board meeting. It is power you can be suspended or retired from. Without your entitlements too! But the real influence of the other room is sweet, and long-lasting. Even when a woman gets promoted to the position of a first wife, she only shares that power with the new entrant, she does not have to relinquish it altogether. There would still be things the new wife will not happen on or know just because she knows how to apply her make-up. A woman who has lived with her man for 20 straight years most certainly knows where all the buttons are on that body and how to insert the right keys to open the right doors. A new wife, yes, knows how to manipulate current ring-back tunes and his caller tunes because the man was sneaking in at weekends to chop-and-clean-mouth, it is still the licensed owner of the other room who knows how to wake the giant up from the deepest slumber. But let’s not wait too long at that bus stop.
Moving on, every woman must know and use the power of the other room. It is the power you hold tightly, girls. You sit tight on it. It is not democratic power. It is monarchical. You hold on to it until death do you part. Oh yes.
A friend once told me how she used to do extra duty on her husband any time he announced he was going to be working late or going for a management retreat out of town. She would do an all-nighter in the other room. She would coax him up and ensure he gave a good account of himself the night before. Then she would ice the cake with a long-drawn-out dawn work-out in the morning and then let him leave the other room, spent and thoroughly used. She knew ‘bros’ was a strong man but when a man has been thoroughly dealt with at night and in the morning, the ‘conference materials’ will have to do more than struggle to wake the giant up. Right. If you ask me, every wife of every busy man should give their men a good work-out in the other room to ensure the guys have less wild oats to sow. Get some of the juice for yourself. How smart can you claim to be if you clean a gun for hours, load it with bullets, cock it and then you let him go shoot it somewhere else? Babe, you are all the shooting range he needs. Let him practise all he wants in the other room.
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Talking about shooting range, too many women voluntarily retire from the other room and still expect to continue to wield influence over ‘oga’. It does not make sense. You are either in the other room or you are outside it. No woman can stay outside that powerful room and remain powerful. That is why I said that this matter is not a democracy. You have no term or tenure. Play your politics right and stay put. Do whatever you need to do. It is a war and all is fair in war. Play fair only when it suits you. When you need to go the extra mile to keep your place and ‘oga’ in the other room, plaster a designer smile on your face and do what you need to do. Just remind yourself of your wedding vows and what the holy books say…
But is the other room the only room of influence? Some say the kitchen is also important. They underscore that with one suspicious saying: the best way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. Seriously? I do not buy that line. Fine, they told us all kinds of things when we were getting married but the things we have all learnt on the job are unquantifiable. Who drew the map that linked the stomach of a man to his heart? Let us be sincere, that kind of road network is suspect. What kind of geography is that? And if you still doubt that kitchen theory, ask why wives, women employ cooks and house-helps for the kitchen and no woman wants to be helped in the other room. Ah ah, my point exactly. The superior room is the other room. Everybody is welcome in the kitchen. The other room? No.
A lot of work, of course, goes into keeping your space in the other room. Plenty of sweat and long nights. No woman should let all that go to waste, after all, the bible said that we shall eat the fruit of our labour. Whatever cannot be fixed in the other rooms must find solution in the other room. Whatever a babe can’t fix through her man’s stomach, she must fix behind closed doors. Whatever argument a woman can’t win with long logic in the living room, she must take to the other room for final adjudication. You see, it is in that room, only in the other room, that a woman gets to play judge and jury. It is one place where a woman can baptise her husband, pray for him and God watches you both and clap and smile and say, well done, my daughter. See how divinely appointed the other room is!
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From the choice of which schools a woman wants the children to attend, to where she wants him to acquire property and holiday destinations, a little extra work in the other room can lessen the hours spent on arguments. Being extra nice to your man in the other room, if you get my meaning, will make his cantankerous sister less influential. Paying more attention to his sensitive buttons will make him less antagonistic to your Christmas budget. New tricks, new techniques may work better when you want more housekeeping allowance than the logic of falling naira and rising dollars.
But I must warn that the other room is a room of strategy that must be used strategically. It is a room you can enjoy every day but the powers therein must be deployed strategically and with tons of wisdom otherwise the advantage will be lost. If the power in this room is not handled smartly and intelligently, it may be misinterpreted as blackmail. A man must not be deprived of what he paid for, even if he paid in instalments. You cannot withhold from him his entitlements. Just rev it up, keep it warm and some times, serve it so hot he begins to speak a foreign language.
Whatever you do, never ever forget that the other room is the most superior room and that only smart women know how to deploy the power therein.
Intimate affairs: The juicy power of the other room – Funke Egbemode
…Funke Egbemode can be reached through her e-mail: egbemode3@gmail.com
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Opinion
Ortom and His 23 Cars’ ‘Bonus’, by Dele Sobowale
Ortom and His 23 Cars’ ‘Bonus’, by Dele Sobowale
“As I talk to you, after I left office, vehicles that were given to me legitimately by government, this government went and seized them in a manner that was not befitting.” – Former Governor Samuel Ortom of Benue State
Last week, former Governor Donald Duke of Cross River declared that military rule was, in many respects, better than civil rule since 1999.
I cannot agree more.
I had the privilege of visiting about seven former military governors before 1999.
No military governor had up to 23 cars assigned to the Governor’s Office or residence.
By contrast, since 1999, a civilian governor with only 23 cars in the office alone would be regarded as extremely prudent.
Many have 50 or more.
Ortom’s 23 cars have triggered a dispute. Governors, on their way out of office, routinely take what they deem as their entitlements and thus render their states poorer than they met them.
Most commentaries on Ortom’s 23 cars have been superficial.
The impression they have created is that only 23 cars were taken away.
Nothing can be further from the truth.
Ortom was not the only beneficiary of that largesse.
It is quite possible that over 100 cars were taken away as parting gifts – with Ortom’s approval – as I will explain shortly.
Ortom revealed the hidden truth by saying, with a straight face, that the vehicles were allocated to him and other members of his administration through the State Executive Council, SEC, after they had been used for more than four years.
It was the worst defence for an assault on public funds ever uttered by a former official.
It provided a window into the minds of top government officials everywhere – irrespective of political party affiliation.
Every State Executive Council, SEC, comprises the governor, the deputy governor, the Secretary to the State Government and commissioners.
All the others are selected or appointed by the governor and, with the exception of the deputy governor, can be removed from office.
In other words, the SEC is created by the governor and can take no independent decision of its own.
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It is not an autonomous body.
Stripped of the subterfuge surrounding it, the decision to allocate 23 cars to Ortom amounted to the governor deciding to go home with the cars and getting his echoes in the SEC to endorse it.
Ortom, inadvertently, disclosed that more cars than 23 were driven home by his government officials when he claimed that the SEC allocated the vehicles in dispute to him “and other members of his administration”.
Since “the other members of his administration” start with the SEC, it stands to reason that the deputy governor, the Secretary to the State Government, all the commissioners, the Chief of Staff, several Special Advisers, heads of state agencies, etc., were also allowed to go home with cars declared over four years old – even if by one day.
Nobody has documented the number of cars Ortom and “the other members of his administration” took away. Over 100 vehicles might be involved.
That leads to the next question because it strikes at the heart of why poverty is increasing in Nigeria.
IS A CAR FOUR YEARS OLD READY FOR THE JUNKYARD?
Most Nigerians known to me, including those driving corporate official cars, are driving vehicles more than five years old.
Mine is 12 years old and can still break the speed limit anywhere in the world.
I also own a LAGRIDE taxi, now four years old.
The Chinese-made car was offered four years ago at N4.8 million, with a down payment of N1.82 million and the balance to be paid in instalments. Today, the car costs N25 million new, and offers have been made to buy my used one for N11–N13 million.
Obviously, when any government gives away, at far less than market value, to departing officials, the public loses.
Ortom’s 23 cars, as well as the others allocated to members of his administration, would have fetched almost five times what the officials paid for them.
To put the matter in perspective, Benue State would have to pay nothing less than N6 trillion just to replace the vehicles.
Left untouched is the question: What else was taken away – furniture, generators, air-conditioners, borehole pumps?
Outgoing officials are never satisfied with taking cars with them.
“Laws grind the poor, and rich [as well as powerful] men rule the law.” – Oliver Goldsmith, 1728–1774
The other half of his self-defence concerns the legality of the allocations.
That the law is an ass has been well established; so is the fact that what we often call law might be injustice codified.
Strictly speaking, everything Abacha did was supported by laws passed as decrees. Justice was never considered.
Civilian governments also make laws which are inherently unjust to the masses.
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The regulation allowing some public servants appointed by the governor to take away very useful public properties cannot be regarded as equitable, given the fact that those who served for 30 or 35 years cannot take away a single pin without being prosecuted.
What exactly does an outgoing governor want to do with 23 cars?
MEANWHILE, GOVERNOR ALIA SETS BACK DEMOCRACY IN BENUE
Governor Hyacinth Alia, a Catholic cleric, honourably fought for justice by having the 23 cars taken away by Ortom retrieved.
It is not clear whether other cars allocated by Ortom’s SEC members were also seized.
If not, the measure would appear personal and discriminatory.
It would appear to be partial justice and tainted with vendetta.
Frequently, individuals transiently invested with near-absolute power, like Nigerian governors, cross the thin line between the divine and the ridiculous within a short time.
When Alia, for the second time, blocked Peter Obi from moving freely about in Benue State, he betrayed democracy and the Constitution of Nigeria he swore to uphold.
He failed the democracy test. He even failed the test of advanced education.
His tenure is limited by the Constitution. Obviously, he will become an ex-governor one day – without armed escorts to protect him and clear the way.
He has established a precedent which will make it legitimate for any governor in Nigeria to block his right of passage.
Two examples in Nigerian history should serve as a warning to Alia.
Military Head of State Obasanjo passed the decree under which General Gowon would have been executed in 1976 – if Britain had not granted the deposed leader political asylum.
The same decree, with slight amendment, was used by Abacha to nail his former boss.
He was saved by divine intervention.
Malam El-Rufai, as governor of Kaduna State, had critics living in other states arrested, brought to Kaduna State and detained without bail for days – before media protests got them released on bail.
Today, El-Rufai is in detention by the DSS and ICPC, without bail for almost six months.
The same media, held in contempt by El-Rufai, has now undertaken the campaign to get him released.
As one of our founding fathers, Dr Nnamdi Azikiwe, reminded us before passing to eternal life: “No condition is permanent.”
Governor Alia should climb down from his high horse and apologise to Obi and Nigerians.
Ortom and His 23 Cars’ ‘Bonus’, by Dele Sobowale
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Opinion
2027: Competence, Not Zoning, Should Decide Nigeria’s Next President — Imasuagbon
Nigerians should look beyond ethnicity, region and the longstanding debate over rotational presidency when choosing the country’s next leader, according to a chieftain of the African Democratic Congress (ADC), Kenneth Imasuagbon.
The former Edo State governorship aspirant said the priority ahead of the 2027 election should be finding a president with the ability to confront Nigeria’s economic, security and infrastructure challenges.
Speaking to journalists in Benin, Imasuagbon argued that presidential rotation is not a requirement of the Nigerian Constitution and should therefore not outweigh the question of competence.
He said voters should be more concerned about replacing poor schools with better ones, improving healthcare and addressing hardship than debating where the next president comes from.
Imasuagbon specifically appealed to voters in the South to support former Vice President Atiku Abubakar, who is contesting the 2027 presidency on the ADC platform.
According to him, Atiku has demonstrated the experience and determination needed to improve the country, describing the former vice president as someone capable of promoting national unity and fairness.
He also accused the Bola Tinubu administration of worsening economic pressure through policies including the removal of fuel subsidy, while expressing concern about the condition of roads, electricity and other infrastructure.
Imasuagbon argued that the next administration must focus on practical improvements in areas such as power, transportation, employment, security and public services.
The ADC chieftain also dismissed the idea that the ruling All Progressives Congress (APC) would automatically benefit from its incumbency advantage in 2027.
He maintained that the electorate ultimately determines the outcome of an election, arguing that voters could change the political direction of the country if they were determined to do so.
Imasuagbon further criticised what he described as regional and ethnic considerations in the distribution of political appointments and opportunities, insisting that the next president should give Nigerians across different parts of the country a sense of belonging.
His comments come as political parties and their candidates intensify preparations for the 2027 presidential election.
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Opinion
Lesson from Dotun Oladipo’s Brave Daughters, by Bamidele Johnson
Lesson from Dotun Oladipo’s Brave Daughters, by Bamidele Johnson
I hope to grow old. I want to see my kids become real adults, find their own feet, make mistakes, recover from them, and perhaps one day complain that their own children are giving them grey hairs. I want that plainly stated before anything else, as everything that follows might read as a man agreeing to an early exit rather than a man simply being honest about the odds.
I want the decades. I want to become the grandfather who repeats the same stories until nobody bothers correcting him anymore. But wanting a thing and being granted are different things. The last year has made that difference harder to ignore than I would like. I have lost many friends recently to keep thinking that optimism is my natural resting state. Some of these men had better blood pressure than mine, better habits, better everything that is supposed to count. It did not save them.
There is no formula I know that reliably separates the men who make it to 70 from those who do not. Anyone who says he knows one is selling something. So, I do not assume that old age is an already booked destination. Even if I once did, which I doubt, the last three years have cured me of such an illusion. As such, I treat it as a hope rather than an expectation, and I have found that a more honest way to live.
It is exactly why I want something placed on record now, while I am still able to place things on record, rather than leave it for people to guess what my wishes were in the fog of a funeral week. If I do not make old bones, my children are not to be asked to read tributes at my funeral. Not one line, however short, however lovingly written.
This, for me, was settled today rather than re-opened. At Dotun Oladipo’s funeral service, his three daughters took turns to read their tributes to their dad, and I found myself watching them with awe. There was a kind of strength in them that I do not possess. It is the strength needed to stand in front of a hall brimming with grieving adults and speak about a man they have just lost. Forever. Strength, however, is not the same as ease. I could see plainly what that strength was costing them as they read. Their voices caught. Their composure held and then did not hold and then held again through sheer will.
In front of them, in the pews, men and women considerably older than them came undone in ways the girls themselves were somehow managing to resist. I went mightily close. Some of the sobbing was quiet, the type people try to fold into a handkerchief. Some of it was not quiet at all, the kind that announces itself whether or not you want it.
Those young women honoured their father with a grace that is beyond me. What they did was astonishing. So, what I am attempting is an observation of a custom I have now watched wound people. This was not the first time I had watched this particular ritual extract more than it should from people already running on fumes. I saw an earlier and harder version of it at a friend’s wake back in 2015.
The first son was called forward to read his father’s tribute, and he could not do it. He tried, but the words would not come, and he stood there in front of a crowd of mourners, with his grief simply refusing to organise itself into sentences. The officiating minister, rather than releasing him from the task, urged him to continue. I sat fizzing with sorrow and ire. He could not go on and, eventually, the minister accepted, but not before insisting a while longer than it should have reasonably taken. His younger brother was called up next, presumably on the theory that if one grieving son could not manage it, maybe another one could. He flunked it in the same way. Grief does not distribute itself more conveniently among siblings just because a programme has been printed and needs to be followed.
I have turned that memory over many times since, trying to work out why this part of the rites is treated as mandatory in the first place. I have not found a satisfying answer. Maybe it comes from a belief that a child’s words carry more weight than anyone else’s, which may even be true, but weight is exactly the problem when those carrying it are struggling to hold themselves together with nothing but adrenaline and the fear of dissolving in public.
Maybe it is simply inertia, the reason we still do a hundred things at funerals that nobody can explain the original purpose of. Either way, I have stopped looking for the justification. I no longer think one exists that is good enough to weigh against what I watched happen to that boy in 2015.
So, let this stand as my instruction rather than my preference, the kind of thing I would rather state plainly now than leave for my children to infer later from how uncertain I sound when the subject comes up in passing. If I do not get the old age I am hoping for, my children will not be asked to read a single word over my body. Someone else can speak for me. A friend, a stranger with a steadier voice and a smaller stake in the loss, anyone whose grief will not be quite so total that standing upright becomes almost impossible.
My children, of course, will sit in front and fall apart if that is what the day requires of them, but without the microphone. That, at least, is one small mercy I intend to arrange for them while I am still here to arrange it.
Dotun deserved every bit of the send-off his daughters gave him today, and I suspect he would have been the first to tell them to sit down and let someone else carry the weight for a while. He did not get a say in that, as none of us ever do once we are the ones being spoken of rather than the ones speaking. Rest well, Dotun. You raised three young women whose strength I will not soon forget. That alone says everything worth saying about the man you were.

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