Bismillaahir-rahmaanir-raheem (In the name of Allāh, Most Gracious, Most Merciful)
Indeed, longevity of life is one of the greatest favours of Allāh that He bestows upon whomsoever He wills from amongst His servants. In Allah’s hands lies the power to create life and to take life; He rations it as He deems fit. Sometimes, He takes the life of the infant and the youthful, and grants respite to the aged and weak. Who dare questions His actions? (لا يسأل عما يفعل وهم يسئلون)
Old age is a blessing and a curse. A popular adage in my mother tongue goes thus: “Rayi kpalo e wo gbata takechi”; meaning: (Long life heals all wounds). That’s the blessing part. Conversely, in Yoruba, the adage is, “o’ fe pe l’aye, o si fe k’oju re oribi, o f’owo mu kan ni” (You desire a long life, but hate to face travails; you would have to chose either of the two). That’s the curse. What will make us understand this theory better are the following verses:
a.
وَمِنْكُمْ مَنْ يُتَوَفَّى وَمِنْكُمْ مَنْ يُرَدُّ إِلَى أَرْذَلِ الْعُمُرِ لِكَيْلَا يَعْلَمَ مِنْ بَعْدِ عِلْمٍ شَيْئًا
“And of you is he who is caused to die; and of you is he who is brought back to the worst part of life, so that after having knowledge he does not know anything… ” Q. 22:5
b.
اللَّهُ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُمْ مِنْ ضَعْفٍ ثُمَّ جَعَلَ مِنْ بَعْدِ ضَعْفٍ قُوَّةً ثُمَّ جَعَلَ مِنْ بَعْدِ قُوَّةٍ ضَعْفًا وَشَيْبَةً يَخْلُقُ مَا يَشَاءُ وَهُوَ الْعَلِيمُ الْقَدِيرُ
” Allah He is who created you from a state of weakness, the He gave (you) strength after weakness, then He ordained weakness a d hoary hair after strength; He creates what He pleases, and He is the Knowing, the Powerful.” Q. 30:54
c.
وَمَنْ نُعَمِّرْهُ نُنَكِّسْهُ فِي الْخَلْقِ أَفَلا يَعْقِلُون
“And he to whom We grant long life We reverse in creation (physical and mental capacity); so will they not understand?” Q. 36:66
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It is natural, therefore, that at times, or most times, old people reason and behave like toddlers; the more they get old, the worse they become. Some old people now wear pampers like infants; Some are fed like babies; Some defecate and urinate in their clothes; and almost all lose their memory of things that they hitherto knew. However, the worst form disposition that comes with old age is anger, harshness, and aggression. More than 2/3 of old people get aggressive at the slightest provocation and, sometimes, even without provocation. Like babies, old people feel vulnerable and unsafe due to their physical weakness. Most times, they feel lonely and abandoned; which is why they often turn talkative when they finally get someone to talk to.
Just before you feel bored by their oft-repeated, boring, meaningless, unnecessary and never-ending discussions; just before you start feeling like to throw up from the odoriferous smell oozing from the excreta of your mother in the potty; just before you get tired of bathing her all the time; remember how she endured all of these for you for several years.
[20/01, 06:51] Abdulfatai A. Ibrahim: It is based on the physical and mental weaknesses that characterized old age that Islam commands us to be gentle, decorous and compassionate while dealing with our parents. These injunctions, as we shall later explain apply to all manners of parents: non-Muslims, deadbeats, addicts, insane, nominal but non-practising Muslims, etc. No matter how lazy or lackadaisical or insensitive one’s parents are to one’s needs; even if they (both or one of them) abandoned one to struggle for survival, one MUST observe the provisions of these injunctions with them. Allah says:
وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَاناً إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلاً كَرِيماً * وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيراً
“And your Lord has decreed that you worship not except Him, and give your parents good treatment. Whether one or both of them attain old age (while) with you (while you’re alive), say not to them uff (an expression of disapproval or irritation), and do not repel (shout at them) but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of compassion and say, “My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up (when I was) small.” (Q. 17:23)
To underscore the significance of treating one’s parents with utmost respect, the Prophet (pbuh) mentioned disobedience to one’s parents as part of the most heinous crimes in Islam.
و عن عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ بْنِ أَبِي بَكْرَةَ عَنْ أَبِيهِ رَضِي اللَّهُ عَنه قَالَ قَالَ النَّبِيُّ صَلَّى اللَّه عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: أَلَا أُنَبِّئُكُمْ بِأَكْبَرِ الْكَبَائِرِ ثَلَاثًا؟ قَالُوا: بَلَى يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ، قَالَ: الْإِشْرَاكُ بِاللَّهِ وَعُقُوقُ الْوَالِدَيْنِ وَجَلَسَ وَكَانَ مُتَّكِئًا فَقَالَ: أَلَا وَقَوْلُ الزُّورِ قَالَ فَمَا زَالَ يُكَرِّرُهَا حَتَّى قُلْنَا لَيْتَهُ سَكَتَ
“The Prophet (pbuh) said: Should I inform you about the most heinous crimes (he said it thrice)? We said, yes, please. He said, “ascribing partners to Allah, disobedience to one’s parents (and he was reclining, so he sat up and continued) and making false statements. He said it so repeatedly that we wished he had kept quiet.”
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The verse quoted above has the following injunctions:
i. It is forbidden to say #uff to one’s old parents: According to Qur’ānic exegetes, uff means showing irritation at their excesses; such as urination, excretion or the likes. Tabari wrote:
قال: ثنا سفيان، عن ليث، عن مجاهد، في قوله) فَلا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلا تَنْهَرْهُمَا (قال: إن بلغا عندك من الكبر ما يبولان ويخرآن، فلا تقل لهما أف تقذّرهما.حدثنا القاسم، قال: ثنا الحسين ، قال: ثني حجاج،عن ابن جريج، عن مجاهد إما يَبْلُغانَّ عِندك الكبر فلا تَقُل لهما أف حين ترى الأذى، وتميط عنهما الخلاءوالبول ، كما كانا يميطانه عنك صغيرا، ولا تؤذهما.
(Summary) “When your parents have attained old age, do not show any sign of displeasure, discomfort or irritation at their excesses; even when they defecate or urinate on their body. You should gladly wash them with gentleness and tenderness like they washed you at your tender age.”
ii. It is forbidden to shout at them: According to the Mufassiruun, shouting at one’s parents include: raising one’s voice at them, interrupting them while they are talking, talking before them without the permission to do so, walking out on them when they are talking to one, showing displeasure at the way they address one harshly or shabbily, not paying attention to their discussion (such as receiving calls, pinging, or turning your back at them), etc. All of these are Haram.
iii. It is compulsory to address them in the most honourable way: Imagine what some of us would have done to our fathers if we were in Prophet Ibraheem’s shoes. In spite of the fact that his father was a Mushrik, Ibraheem was never harsh to him in his speech. In fact, he didn’t address him as يا أبي: my father; rather he said, يا أبت: my dear father! لا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله العلي العظيم! What a role model he is for us all!
Our parents are more honourable than any other being on earth. Yet, when we address them, we do so crudely in a manner that we can never address our teachers or even political godfathers. In fact, some people respect their friends more than they respect their parents! أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم!
iv. We must humble ourselves before our parents: No matter how rich, famous, knowledgeable, or highly-placed we are in the scheme of life, we must suspend all of those shenanigans while treating our parents. Our wealth must be put at their disposal anytime, any day. One day, a young man came to report his father to the Prophet (pbuh) saying:
عن جابر رضي الله عنه أن رجلاً قال: يا رسول الله إن لي مالاً وولداً ، وإن أبي يريد أن يجتاح مالي، فقال: “أنت ومالك لأبيك”.
“O Messenger of Allāh! I have wealth and children, and my father wants to take (from) my wealth. The Prophet replied him saying, “YOU, & YOUR WEALTH BELONG TO YOUR FATHER.”
Dr. Sanusi Lafiagi is a lecturer in Department of Islamic Studies, Al-Hikmah University Ilorin