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Who ate the fattest kidney: Buhari or Ekweremadu?



Who ate the fattest kidney: Buhari or Ekweremadu

Tunde Odesola

(Published in The PUNCH, on Friday, May 12, 2023)

They call him a prophet. Bob Marley. In one of his timeless songs entitled WAR, he preaches, “Until the philosophy which holds one race superior and another inferior, is finally, and permanently discredited, and abandoned, everywhere is war, me say war…”

The wailing Jamaican philosopher goes on to list other conditions for peace within the human race, singing, “Until there are no longer, first-class and second-class citizens of any nation, until the colour of a man’s skin, is of no more significance than the colour of his eyes, me say war.

“Until the basic human rights are equally guaranteed to all, without regard to race, dis a war…”

Biologists and environmentalists, however, opine that the competition for food, land, resources etc within the ecosystem is the reason why man violated the peace of the paradise bequeathed at creation, and replaced it with the hate of hell.

As man can never meet the conditions for global peace, it behoves the most intelligent creature, man, to provide cushions to ameliorate the agonies of war. This was what the United States of America, along with other responsible nations worldwide, did when it evacuated its citizens from war-ravaged Sudan, some days ago.

On April 29, 2023, exactly two weeks after deadly military fighting escalated in Sudan, the US evacuated hundreds of Americans, Green Card holders, and citizens of allied nations in a convoy of buses escorted by armed drones over a journey of 800 kilometres.

Before the unmanned drone rescue of private citizens, US special operations troops had flown to Khartoum, the Sudan capital, on April 22, and airlifted American embassy officials and other government personnel.


As respected nations worldwide utilised a ceasefire of hostilities by warring Sudanese military factions to rescue their trapped citizens, the airlifting of over 300 Nigerians, especially students, trapped in Sudan to Egypt, was partly made possible by a Nigerian businessman who owns Air Peace, Mr Allen Onyema.

After spending an undisclosed amount of foreign exchange to unveil Nigeria’s national carrier at the Farnborough Air Show in England, on July 18, 2018, retired Major General Muhammadu Buhari’s 419 national aeroplanes have yet to land in Nigeria.

Just some days ago, the Minister of Aviation, Hadi Sirika, insisted the Nigerian national carrier will commence operations before the expiration of Buhari’s administration on May 29, 2023. I’ll renounce my citizenship if this comes to pass.

After seven harrowing days at the Egyptian Arqeen border where they were left at the mercy of the elements, hunger, human and animal attack, war-victim Nigerians were eventually transported back home after highhanded Egyptian authorities had justifiably suspected that the evacuees would disappear into the human network in Egypt.

If Nigerians could abandon their country for war-torn Sudan, it’s a no-brainer to know that they would prefer life in Egypt, the strongest country in Africa, to coming back to Nigeria, the most insecure country in Africa, which they fled.

Nothing typifies the calamity that the Buhari era represents than the revelation that so many Nigerians abandoned the terrible state of education back home to risk their lives in Sudan, of all places. Among those caught in the Sudan crossfire were artisans, traders and other everyday Nigerians, who fled the heat from Buhari’s oven.

The Nigerians in Diaspora Commission headed by Mrs Abike Dabiri-Erewa, confirmed the airlift of 376 Nigerians, saying two aircraft, Air Peace and NAF C130, lifted Nigerians from Aswan Airport in Egypt to the Nnamdi Azikiwe International Airport, Abuja.

Two American civilians, including an Iowan doctor stabbed to death in front of his house, were reportedly killed when fighting broke out in Sudan. No one knows how many Nigerians were killed as a result of the war. I think history, too, might never know. But, it doesn’t take clairvoyance to know what would have transpired in the minds of terrified Nigerians, together with their relatives back home, as they dodge bullets and arrows on their way to Khartoum, where they were evacuated.

This is what is likely to transpire between Nigerian parents and their child in Sudan.

Mama: (Weeping, she grips her husband’s clothes by the collar) Baba Jide! Baba Jide, but I warned you not to send our only son to Sudan to read ooo! I advised we send him to America or England; see what’s happening now, I’m dead! Jide’s phone is not even connecting again! Mo gbe!


Baba Jide: After working for government for more than 35 years, my gratuities and pension have not been paid.

Mama Jide: There he goes again, Mr Integrity! Who’s talking about your paltry pension and gratuity? Did you not see Baba Emeka and Baba Danladi? Are both, not your juniors? Aren’t their children abroad studying?

Baba Jide: Did you not see what happened to former Deputy Senate President, Ike Ekweremadu? Justice can catch up with crime anytime.

Mama Jide: At least, he was there for his daughter. Were you there for your son?

Baba Jide: Yes, I was there for my son, Jide. It’s the political elite that Ekweremadu represents that brought Nigeria to its knees and made Nigerians fugitives in their own country, and destitute abroad. If Ekweremadu and his ilk did the right things, Jide won’t be held hostage by the war in Sudan. He, Ekweremadu, himself won’t attempt to redeem the life of his daughter with the life of the hawker.

Mama Jide: He will soon be free..

Baba Jide: After 10 years.

Mama Jide: He will spend about six years and come home to enjoy his money.

Baba Jide: He should have got a life sentence. 99.9% of Nigerian political leaders deserve life sentences. They steal and give themselves severance packages that include fat allowances, buildings and cars.

Mama Jide: And you live in this rathole, lamenting and pontificating about integrity!? Even the retired Major General Integrity has stored up enough dollars to spend and also use as firewood should NNPC fail to provide gas cooking.

Baba Jide: What a life! Is that the kind of life you’re proud of? A predatory life that feeds on the masses’ blood.

Mama Jide: Eja ni eja n je sanra; fish swallows fish in the deep. Wealth and blessings are from God. Oyinbo people and their hypocrisy. If Ekweremadu was a white British senator, no judge would’ve sentenced him.

Baba Jide: Are Yahoo and ritual money from God? Haven’t you heard of white celebrities sentenced to jail? The organ-harvesting senator should thank his chi that he got only 10 years. You think British judges are like Nigerian judges?

Jide: Mummy! Mummy, can you hear me? Mummy, can you…?

Mama Jide: I can hear you, my son! Olorun seun, I thank God! Where are you now?

Jide: I’m still hiding on the treetop. I have suffered, a scorpion has bitten me. (Bursts into tears)

Mama Jide: (Joins Jide in crying) It’s your father who won’t do the right thing that caused all this and he’s not even remorseful or…

Baba Jide: Or what!? Join in stealing? I never will!

Mama Jide: Oya, tell you integrity to go and bring my son from Sudan. If anything happens to my son, Baba Jide, God will receive two visitors o.

Jide: Daddy, Emeka Kalu and Danladi Usman, the children of your friends, are graduating from Harvard and Cambridge respectively this year, yet I’m in Sudan, unsure if I will live or die.

Baba Jide: You will live in Jesus’ name.

Mama Jide: Leave God out of this! Didn’t you say God doesn’t give money?

Jide: Daddy, you need to rethink your anti-corruption posture because corruption has overtaken Nigeria completely. Why are politicians richer when leaving office than when they come in? More players have died on the pitch after Samuel Okwaraji because nothing has changed in Nigeria’s healthcare system since August 12, 1989.

Baba Jide: Uhmm.

Jide: Kanu Nwankwo might have also slumped and died on the pitch because there was no way his ailment could’ve been discovered at club or national level. Daddy, we both watch soccer; look at Christian Eriksen who suffered cardiac arrest while playing for Denmark 22 months ago. He was resuscitated; today, he plays professional soccer with Manchester United, using implanted cardiac machines. Can that ever happen in Nigeria? Nigeria’s gone, daddy, don’t go with it.

Facebook: @Tunde Odesola
Twitter: @Tunde_Odesola


Tinubu: The Crowning of the Spiderman



Tunde Odesola

Tinubu: The Crowning of the Spiderman

Tunde Odesola

(Published in The PUNCH, on Friday, June 2, 2023)

From football to jollof rice, and other sundry striving like music and acting, I love the healthy rivalry between Nigeria and Ghana. But truly, Ghanaians know which is the giant of the two countries just as Nigerians know that the tattered singlet of Musa at the gate is worthier that the starched khaki of the brain-lazy, woebegone retired Major-General.

Though farther than Benin Republic, Togo, Niger and Cameroon in terms of geography, Ghana is closer to Nigeria in terms of shared experience and colonial language.

“Imagination is better than knowledge,” I agree with this wisdom of Einstein, who expatiates that, “Knowledge is limited to what we know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there will ever be to know and understand.”

Through the trickery of the Tortoise, Nigerian folklore imagines connectivity between the dead and the living, weaving together a world of equality, freedom and dignity, where intelligence trumps force.

Similarly, Ghanaian mythology imagines the world through the labyrinth of the silk-spinning Spider, whose squishy body contrasts with the carapace of the Tortoise but both creatures’ legends secure a place for the weak in the society.

However, comeuppance awaits the Tortoise or the Spider whenever either wishes to take advantage of the vulnerable through wit and cunning.


In the worldview of African forebears, before things fell apart, intelligence always triumphs whenever brute force runs naked, making the Yoruba say, “Ogbon ju agbara lo,” wisdom is greater than power.”

The story of former President Muhammadu Buhari and incumbent President Bola Tinubu is similar to the Ghanaian myth about Nyame and Anansi.

Anansi is a spider who wants to be the owner of all the stories known in the world, but all stories belong to Nyame, the sky god. Anansi tells Nyame of his wish to buy all the stories from him but Nyame tells the spider the price is unaffordable.

When Anansi insists, Nyame attempts to outfox him, saying Anansi could have all the stories of the world if he could capture the four most dangerous creatures in the world. An excited Anansi assures Nyame that he would capture all the four creatures, and even offers his own mother, Ya Nsia, to boot!

The four creatures include Onini, the python; Osebo, the leopard; Mmoatia, the Fairy; and a hive of Mmoboro Hornets.

Anansi has a beautiful wife, Aso, who is super cunning, and whom he listens to. With his wife’s advice, Anansi beguiles all four creatures, one after the other.

To capture Onini, his wife devises a plan, and they both set out for the brook where Onini lives. There, they began to argue loudly about Onini’s length. Onini comes out and Anansi tells him about their argument.

Onini brooks no contest with the majesty of its length, it quickly stretches out beside the branch which Anansi brought with him. To get an accurate measurement of Onini, Anansi advises that one end of the python be tied to the palm tree branch while the other end should be tied against the other end of the tree branch.

After tying the head of the snake to the branch, it was easy to persuade the snake to have its tail tied to the other end of the stick. And the python became more vulnerable than a sitting duck.

To capture the leopard, Anansi digs a hole in the ground along the path which Osebo treads, covering it up with brushwood. Returning home after dark, Osebo falls into the pit. Anansi, the Good Samaritan, offers to get Osebo out of the hole through his web. But when the leopard got out of the hole, he remained a prisoner in Anansi’s web and was subsequently carried to Nyame’s palace.

The spider entraps the Mmoatia Fairy by making a doll covered in glue and placing it in the prairie where the fairy plays. She sees the doll and gets attracted to it, touches it with both hands and becomes glued.


Anansi lures the Mmoboro hornets into his gourd by pouring water on himself and telling the hornets that a dangerous rain that had beaten him in another community, was fast approaching. He advises them to get into his gourd for safety. They obliged and became Anansi’s victims.

The Spider goes to Ya Nsia, his mother, and reminds her about the promise he made to the Sky god. Ya Nsia agrees to go with Anansi to Nyame.

Boxed in by the Spider’s achievements, Nyame summons the elders and his army, tells them about Anansi’s conquests, which no one else or kingdom could do, and thus pledges all stories to Anansi, the Spider. So, every story became known as a Spider story.

I’m almost sure scaling the hurdles wouldn’t have been smooth sailing for Anansi. There might have been moments of despair and frustration when he angrily shouted, “E gbe awon stories yi wa, EMI LOKAN!”

Unlike the world of Buhari and Tinubu, the world of Anansi was a law-abiding world, where crime was punished, and virtue rewarded.

It was a world, where the elephant, though mighty, couldn’t usurp the rights of the ant, and the lion, despite being the king of the jungle, dared not take what didn’t belong to him.

It was a world that would ‘open the calabash’ of death to a brainless, callous and nepotistic king who recently plundered the land for eight years of misgovernance – just like they ‘opened the calabash’ for wicked kings in the old Oyo Empire.

In the olden days when the Tortoise and the Spider counted among the wise men, people voted without let or hindrance, and their votes counted. The electoral umpire, even if it was the glasses-wearing YAK, dared not fail to upload the results of the presidential election as ARTICUlated in the electoral law.

During the days of the fabled Tortoise and the Spider, Umpire YAK dared not cause disaffection within the polity, as he did yesterday, without being summoned to the king’s palace, and bagging an outright banishment to the Evil Forest or the severance of his head from his neck at Imogun, the Place of Skulls.

If Yak followed the electoral process through, the Articulate and the Obidients would probably not go to the Court of Judges to lay their grievances over why the Bat was crowned the king without announcing his victory through the Kakaaki, as required by the law of the land.

Things have turned upside down today. Thorns have grown on the throne in Ife, and the king can no longer sit on the stool of his forebears but go about looking for plastic chairs in Owambe parties, allowing Pete, Tom, Dick and Harry to hug him.

In those days of the Tortoise and the Spider, when the blind Baba Fakunle predicted in Ola Rotimi’s ‘The gods are not to blame’, that King Odewale would marry his mother and kill his father, it came to pass.

Today, Christian and Muslim clerics have turned the church and the mosque into casinos, where forecasts are churned out like locusts in flight, with none coming to pass.

A cleric predicted that he was the incoming President Number 16 and that Buhari would hand over to him. Another one warned witches and wizards not to come to Abuja – as if witches and wizards ever amounted to anything or as if they are the problems of Nigeria.

Many Nigerian pastors and imams are fake men of God who brag about power over all infirmities but none has ever cured either a cough or a headache, not to talk of HIV/AIDS or COVID-19.

The removal of petroleum subsidy is a step in the right direction but the President must not behave like the Tortoise who got all the wisdom of the world in a gourd, which he tied to his neck, without knowing how to get the gourd to the top of a tree. Tinubu must exhibit cleverness and be be prepared to go to war against the oil cabal.

Online reactions trailed the presence of President Tinubu’s wife, Remi, for being present at an official meeting the president held with some officials on Wednesday.

Did Aso, the wife of Anansi, not help her Spider husband solve his riddles? If you don’t know the meaning of presidential monarchy, go to court.

Facebook: @Tunde Odesola
Twitter: @tunde_odesola

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(OPINION) Open letter to President Bola Ahmed Tinubu GCFR



President Bola Ahmed Tinubu, GCFR

(OPINION) Open letter to President Bola Ahmed Tinubu GCFR. The President Federal Republic of Nigeria.

All existing protocols are duly observed.

My constitutional rights as a Nigerian moves me to write this letter to you our New President – Bola Ahmed Tinubu GCFR.

Congratulations on your assumption to the office as the 16th President of FRN.

These are my inputs to your administration for us all to get the desirable results in your new Government.

In the comradeship terrain it’s said that – Victory for One is a victory for all and injury for one is an injury for all. I pray that may you succeed in your tenure as the First Citizen of Nigeria Aamiin.

First and foremost I say A big congratulations to you and all Nigerians home and abroad for the bold step you took to announced the REMOVAL OF FUEL SUBSIDY.

Sir!!! Nigerians say No to any form of CABALS home and diaspora.

I suggest the below public figures in Nigeria to serve directly under your administration.

According to two of our contemporary democracy founding fathers – late President Nelson Mandela he said that any system that fails to take Education as Priority is a failure.


You the President of FRN said & I quote that you believe in the revolution of our great country Nigeria but not by any form of battle, civil unrest or war but by our intellectuals.

The above mentioned quote tell us the power of education.

On this note, below are my submission to your desk directly sir.

I suggest that Education & insecurity are twins sectors which need urgent attention and have to be in your priority list sir through the below –

1. Prof. Ishaq Olarenwaju Oloyede For Minister of Education.

2. Retired Generals like Alani Akinrinade, Olu Bajowa, Ishola Williams, Jubirila Ayinla, David Jemibewon etc should be consulted for security.

3. Emir SLS & his formidable team for Economy planning.

4. H. E . BRF & his crew for what they are Guru at.

5. Prof. Pat utomi & Senator Kalu orji plus others from the East are also key in PBAT administration.

Note – Education sector has to cover other areas like – Computers, Technology, sciences and Researches etc.

These sectors have to make your priority list after the above to achieve the desirable results Viz –

1. Health sector
2. Power , Petroleum & mines sector.
3. Agriculture sector.
4. Infrastructures sector.
5. Welfare of all the citizens old and young (unemployment, old age benefits etc).

These 7 key points are very vital sir and if you can deliver them to us, Nigerians, your name will never be forgotten in the country’s Best governance list.

Pray that May Allah make it an easy task for us and all yours formidable team Aamiin.

God bless Nigeria Aamiin!!!

I am comrade Hon Akinpeju AIT (National General Secretary ABAT Educational Support Team).


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Bola Tinubu and Nigeria’s Coat of Arm



By Tunde Odesola

(Published in The PUNCH, on Friday, May 26, 2023)

May we consider these two sentences: ‘You are stupid’ and ‘I am stupid’? While ‘You are stupid’ may be a wrong prognosis of another individual’s personality, ‘I am stupid’ is a dispassionate diagnosis of self. The former may draw arrows from the quill, the latter may draw pity or derision from the heart.

I’ll tell you what – the depiction of the symbols on the Nigerian Coat of Arms screams, ‘We’re stupid!’ If we, Nigerians, are not stupid, after almost 63 years of age, why can’t we, as a country, sensibly define the symbols on our coat of arms?

Information on the website of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs identifies the country’s ‘map, coat-of-arms (sic), flag, anthem, and pledge’ as ‘National Symbols’.

Dryly, the ministry goes further to say, “Coat of Arms: The coat of arms of Nigeria consists of a black shield with a wavy white pall, symbolizing (sic; American English) the meeting of the Niger and Benue Rivers at Lokoja. The black shield represents Nigeria’s fertile soil, while the two supporting horses or chargers on each side represent dignity.”

There goes the beggarly information Nigerians and foreigners alike get about the country’s coat of arms, a supposed symbol of the quintessence of Nigeria. ‘Coat-of-Arms’ in one breath, ‘Coat of Arms’, in another. When both coats ram into each other, the wreckage is the coat of many errors that we currently have.

Please, hear how the National Museum of American Diplomacy describes America’s coat of arms on its website. It says, “The Great Seal of the United States is a unique symbol of our country and national identity. The Great Seal is impressed upon official documents such as treaties and commissions. The Department of State affixes about 3,000 seals to official documents yearly.

“In 1782, after six years and three committees, the Continental Congress decided on a less abstract seal and incorporated a design that reflected the beliefs and values that the Founding Fathers ascribed to the new nation. Charles Thomson, Secretary of the Continental Congress, designed the 1782 seal to symbolize our country’s strength, unity, and independence. The olive branch and the arrows held in the eagle’s talons denote the power of peace and war. The eagle always casts its gaze toward the olive branch signifying that our nation desires to pursue peace but stands ready to defend itself. The shield, or escutcheon, is “born on the breast of an American Eagle without any other supporters to denote that the United States of America ought to rely on their own Virtue…”

But, shamefully, Nigeria’s coat of arms parades an eagle that doesn’t exist anywhere in the plains or plantations of the country – a red eagle! And the way it stands spinelessly like a stray witch on the coat of arms, toeing the green and white arc on the black shield, is so depressing.

Even the Foreign Affairs Ministry website, sadly, has no words to describe the strange red eagle; it just perches there aimlessly, doing nothing, but its redness probably signifies the various blood-sucking leaderships that have afflicted Nigeria even before independence.

I observed that the Nigerian military has a penchant for white horses. There’s no explanation for the idiosyncrasy. But I suspect the military, like all other walks of Nigerian life, suffers post-colonial hangover. I have noticed, too, that white horses were used during the inauguration ceremonies of past Nigerian presidents in this political dispensation.

Since independence, however, no agency of government has ever explained the symbolism of the two white horses in the country’s coat of arms. Why use white horses? Why not use the more popular colour, brown? Or black, to proudly identify with our colour?

In this era of super-smart kids, what would the President-elect, Asiwaju Bola Tinubu, tell his grandchildren when they ask him questions about the stupidity in our coat of arms? What would Tinubu tell his grandchildren when they ask why Nigeria’s rivers Niger and Benue are depicted as white when they are not even beaches? What would he and his contemporaries tell their grandkids if they query the soundness of their forebears’ minds?

There’s also no word from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs website on the red flowers sprouting on the green forming the base of Nigeria’s coat of arms just as the country’s motto, “Unity and Faith, Peace and Progress,” inscribed on a banderole, is unworthy of mention.

A look at the website of the Embassy of Nigeria in Tel Aviv says the Nigerian coat of arms was designed and adopted in 1960. There are 178 years between 1782 when the American coat of arms aka the Great Seal was designed and adopted, and 1960 when Nigeria designed its coat of harms. How then is it difficult for Nigeria to design a truly great coat of arms that would symbolise the peoples, heritage, culture and language of this great country? If patriotism and creativity inspired the American Coat of Arms, what can we say inspired the national embarrassment we call a Coat of Arms?

Some unintelligent members of the leading political parties may turn up their noses and say sarcastically, “Of all the challenges besetting the country, is the coat of arms the most pressing issue?” And I say unto them, “Oh ye sluggards, what singular challenge facing the country has ever been confronted frontally by any government, past or present?” I add, “Ye laggards, don’t you know that the coat of arms is a country’s CV, a preview into the rai·son d’ê·tre of a nation, the essence of a people?

Speak of the devil and he doth appear! Just now, one of the white horses on the coat of arms has bolted! It’s cantering from the Eagle Square, Abuja, where they were taken in preparation for the presidential inauguration coming up in three days. The second white horse follows in the trail of the first.

Second Horse: Charlie! Charlie! Wait for me, wait for me, I’m homesick too – after 62 years. This country is all desert now, no pasture.


First Horse: (Slows down for Second Horse to catch up) Lizzie, I told you long ago that it was high time we left Nigeria, but you remained ensconced in our past colonial glory. I told you to wake up to reality, but you won’t listen. The generation that knew the Queen is fast diminishing; this new generation of Nigerians will kill and eat us one day or serve our heads to their god of money.

(Both increase their speed)


Lizzie: We are old, we can’t make it back to England on foot. I have arthritis. There’s no hay, no water…


Charlie: I got it all figured out, just follow me…you’ll be back in England by air…


Lizzie: I think we should make restitution to this country, in particular, and all other countries that we colonised – in general.


Charlie: Lizzie, no amount of restitution will assuage the sin we committed here. Remember, we call them fantastically corrupt, if we give restitution, they will embezzle it, kill and jail themselves over it. Most of the restitution money will find its way back to England before the end of the year.

Lizzie: I don’t see this country ever recovering.

Charlie: No, not until kingdom come.



Facebook: Tunde Odesola

Twitter: @tunde_odesola

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