Tinubu’s pieces of eight! – Newstrends
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Tinubu’s pieces of eight!

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Tunde Odesola

Tinubu’s pieces of eight!

Tunde Odesola

(Published in The PUNCH, on Friday, July 21, 2023)

Ahoy! Off to Treasure Island, I set sail. The sea is turbulent, the wind is violent; but go I must on this dangerous odyssey to Pirates’ underworld, where good and evil fruits grow on the same tree, where virtue and vice sleep in the same bed, where life is short and brutish and worthless.

Treasure Island is an 1881 fictional haven of treasure, pleasure and torture created in book pages by Robert Louis Stevenson, Scottish novelist, essayist and travel writer, depicting the adventures of Pirates at sea.

Seventy-one years later, some seven students of the University College, Ibadan, inspired by Stevenson’s novel, sought to reinvent the nasty lifestyles of the fortune-seeking Pirates on Treasure Island.

This was long before Bob Marley, the prophet, labelled Pirates as robbers and slave merchants in his 1980 evergreen hit, Redemption Song.

So, instead of idolising the greedy and individualistic Pirates that people Treasure Island, the seven idealistic youths, invited fellow undergraduates, who possess humanistic, selfless, courageous, honest and resourceful traits, to come on board and join in their fight for the attainmnent of a good society.

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Thus, the students – Wole Soyinka, Ralph Chukwuemeka Okpara, Ikpehare Aig-Imoukhuede, Sylvanus U. Egbuche, Nathaniel Oyelola, Pius Oleghe, and Olumuyiwa Awe – formed the Pyrates Confraternity, which is also known as the National Association of Seadogs. They are popularly called the Original Seven.

To distinguish their movement from the rough lifestyle of Pirates, the Original Seven called themselves Pyrates. As Stevenson used the imagery and slogans of Pirates to make Treasure Island come alive, Pyrates also use the slogans associated with sailors in their conversation.

Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight! Apologies to Pyrates for burrowing into their slogan. Eight has become a nightmarish number in Nigeria lately. The lives of many Nigerians have been permanently damaged by the eight-year misrule of the immediate past President Muhammadu Buhari. President Bola Tinubu is about to enter the eighth week of his administration. And, in the height of an unreasonable decision, Tinubu’s government proposed to pay poor Nigerians N8,000 each, drawing a backlash as Nigerians pointed accusing fingers at his cap, saying the sleeping (∞) image of (8) on it has woken up to its feet to torment Nigerians.

Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight is a silver coin also known as the Spanish dollar. Minted in the Spanish Empire, and used in Europe, America and the Far East, pieces of eight was the first world currency by the 16th Century. Pieces of eight in Treasure Island is a shrill call for eternal vigilance and a reminder of pirates’ treasure. Pieces of eight calls attention to an announcement.

The shocking announcement of N8,000 palliative to Nigerians by the Tinubu government calls attention to the disturbing similarity between the woeful Buhari government and the incumbent administration. Though the intelligence-lacking N8,000 initiative has been put on hold, the announcement, in itself, reveals the underbelly of a government in a hurry for legitimacy.

After his emergence as President, I had expressed my fears to a friend that the Tinubu administration might be loud on PR and quiet on achievements. It’s worrisome that quite too early, the nascent government is excelling on cosmetics and failing on restoration.

Going by the resounding failure of Buhari’s N5,000 palliative to poor Nigerians, the blind doesn’t need ‘Jigi Bola’ (Bola’s glasses) to see that the N8,000 initiative was going to be another economic misadventure like the N10,000 Trader Moni intervention spearheaded by former Vice President Yemi Osinbajo on behalf of the wreckage called Buhari government.

I think a self-acclaimed financial wizard of Tinubu’s stature should have seen, at first glance, the idiocy in spending billions of naira pyramids on palliatives when commonsense would’ve embarked on fixing the problem of electricity and ensuring local refining of fuel. I think the country should’ve been saved from the needless uproar that greeted the announcement.

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Is President Tinubu a messiah, mess-iah or mess-higher? Yes, you’re right, that’s what he is! If N8,000 each had gone into half of the proposed 12 million homes, and the other half, predictably, went to fill party long-throats, poor Nigerian families would’ve been fed disappearing fish, instead of being taught how to fish. ‘At all, at all na im bad’. Disappearing fish is what the proposed N8,000 palliative would give Nigerian households in these hyperinflation times. President Tinubu, N8,000 is not enough to buy a presidential packet of cigarettes.

Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight! President Tinubu, you’re far removed from the harsh economic reality whacking Nigerians. I know the presidential barn is brimming with exotic foods and choice drinks, so you and your beautiful wife, Remi, and children are definitely not feeling the starvation wracking Nigerians.

Need I remind you, Your Excellency, that the naira is no longer what it used to be in the 1970s when a brand-new car sold for N3,000? Your disconnection from the Nigerian reality would be the only reason why you could propose N8,000 as family palliative when the sum cannot feed a presidential dog.

The father and mother of a family living in Abule Egba and working in Lagos Island will return home on foot despite having N8,000 for transport. With the cost of fuel standing at N700/litre, a 10-litre fuel costing N7,000 would take them nowhere.

Your Excellency, permit me to avail you with the current prices of foodstuffs if all your aides do is sloganeer your nicknames, “Jagaban,” “Asiwaju,” “Oju yobo,” “Akanbi Olodo Ide,” and not tell you the truth.

Baba Folasade, the smallest size of Bournvita now costs N2,499 while the smallest Milo costs N2,750 and Ovaltine refill costs N3,200. Baba Seyi, a tin of Peak milk now costs N710, a pack of cornflakes costs N1,800, 1kg of semovita costs N1,800 and the smallest poundo yam costs N2,200, five-litre Made-in-Nigeria vegetable oil costs N10,000 while a tin of Titus sardine costs N750.

Even if the poor eight-member Nigerian family wants to live by bread alone, baring other necessities of life, N8,000 cannot give them a decent meal of bread, eggs and tea.

While the noose continues to tighten round the neck of the populace, the Tinubu government, like a drunken Pirate, has earmarked N70bn of the N819.5bn supplementary budget to cater for National Assembly members just as another N40bn has been earmarked to provide 465 Sport Utility Vehicles for the lawmakers, while a whole family is being expected to share N8,000 palliative monthly.

They populate the Senate, many sleeping senators, who don’t propose a bill in four years, yet they receive humongous monthly pensions having served as governors in their respective states, and currently collect outrageous salaries and perks for doing nothing at the Senate. Of the 13 former governors in the Senate, only former Ogun State governor, Otunba Gbenga Daniel, has declined to receive pensions and allowances from his state.

Military service chiefs recently relieved of their duties by President Tinubu each received bulletproof SUVs, personal aides, guards, allowances for overseas medical treatment and other outrageous retirement benefits. Yet, 54 percent of the country’s youth are jobless even as 133 million Nigerians are multidimensionally poor.

Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight! Eighteen state governors, who left power on May 29, 2023, also carted home bulletproof vehicles and fat bags of pensions and allowances, even though many of the 18 states are languishing in debt.

The more Nigeria’s pieces of eight is flipped up and lands on the ground, the more the Buhari and Tinubu sides of the coin look the same.

May lightning not strike Nigeria the second time.

Ahoy!

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Ademola Lookman showed Davido and Kemi Badenoch that wisdom is not by age – Omokri

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Reno Omokri, Ademola Lookman, Davido and Kemi Badenoch

Ademola Lookman showed Davido and Kemi Badenoch that wisdom is not by age – Omokri

Recently, the singer David Adeleke was given a global stage to do whatever he wanted and deliver any message.

Sadly, Mr. Adeleke used the opportunity to speak in an American accent. Not only that, he used that American accent to talk down on Nigeria and tell the world not to invest in Nigeria because, as he put it, Nigeria’s “economy is in shambles”.

Coincidentally, a month after his faux pas, Kemi Badenoch, probably inspired by Davido, used her British accent to talk down Nigeria, calling us “a very poor country” where the police rob citizens.

But the interesting thing about her own case is that the next day, the BBC featured a panel of Conservative Party big shots, and one of them, Albie Amankona, a party chieftain from Chiswick, who is also a celebrity broadcaster, said, and this is a direct quote:

“If you are a Brexiteer, and you are saying we need to be expanding our global trade beyond the European Union, we want to be looking at emerging markets for growth, don’t slag off one of the fastest growing economies in Africa.”

Is it not strange that it took the BBC and a British politician to promote Nigeria as one of the fastest-growing economies in Africa?

And just when we thought it was all bad news, God gave us a breath of fresh air in the youthful Ademola Lookman, who used the global podium granted to him by his winning the 2024 African Footballer of the Year award to promote and project Nigeria and the Lukumi Yoruba language to the world.

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Wisdom is not by age. If not, Ademola Lookman, who is just twenty-seven, will not have displayed greater wisdom than David Adeleke, who is thirty-two, and Kemi Badenoch, at forty-four.

Mr. Lookman proved that the age of Methuselah has nothing to do with the wisdom of Solomon.

And it is not as though other ethnicities with global icons do not also project Nigeria. They do.

Dr. Mrs. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala spoke Igbo on the podium of the WTO in Geneva. In terms of prestige, she is FAR above Lookman.

My campaign is not for the Lukumi Yoruba alone. It is for all sub-Saharan Black Africans to learn to speak their language and not use ability to speak English or another colonial language as a measure of intelligence.

Besides Lukumi Yoruba and Hausa, every other Nigerian language, including Fulfulde, is gradually dying out.

General Buhari is half Fulani and half Kanuri. Yet, he cannot speak either Fuifulde or Kanuri. But he speaks Hausa and English.

Fact-check me: In 2012, UNESCO declared Igbo an endangered language.

However, the Lukumi Yoruba are to be commended for their affirmative actions to advance their language and culture.

Let me give you an example. All six Governors of the Southwest bear full Lukumi names: Jide Sanwa-Olu, Seyi Makinde, Dapo Abiodun, Ademola Adeleke, Abiodun Oyebanji, and Orighomisan Aiyedatiwa.

No other zone in Nigeria has all its governors bearing ethnic Nigerian names as first and second names. They either bear Arabic or European names as first names or even first and second names.

If we truly want to be the Giant of Africa, we must take affirmative steps to preserve our language and culture so we can have children like Ademola Lookman.

Teach your language to your children before you teach them English. They will learn English at school. Being multilingual is scientifically proven to boost intelligence.

Fact-check me: In the U.S., Latino kids do not speak English until they start school. They learn Spanish as a first language.

Even if you relocate to the UK, the best you can be is British. You can never be English. And if your choice of Japa is the U.S., the highest you can be is an American citizen. You will never become a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant WASP.

Your power lies in balancing ancient and modern, Western and African, English (or other colonial languages) and your native tongue.

That is the way to reverse language erosion, like the Lukumi Yoruba.

Ademola Lookman showed Davido and Kemi Badenoch that wisdom is not by age – Omokri

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Kemi Badenoch’s Hate for Nigeria – Femi Fani-Kayode

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Femi Fani-Kayode

Kemi Badenoch’s Hate for Nigeria – Femi Fani-Kayode

“I find it interesting that everyone defines me as a Nigerian. I identify less with the country than with my specific ethnic group. I have nothing in common with the people from the north of the country, the Boko Haram, where Islamism is. Being Yoruba is my true identity and I refuse to be lumped with the northern people of Nigeria who were our ethnic enemies, all in the name of being called a Nigerian”- @KemiBadenoch.

Dangerous rhetoric

Kemi Badenoch, MP, the leader of the British Conservative Party and Opposition in the @UKParliament, has refused to stop at just denigrating our country but has gone a step further by seeking to divide us on ethnic lines.

She claims that she never regarded herself as being a Nigerian but rather a Yoruba and that she never identified with the people from the Northern part of our country who she collectively describes as being “Boko Haram Islamists” and “terrorists”.

This is dangerous rhetoric coming from an impudent and ignorant foreign leader who knows nothing about our country, who does not know her place and who insists on stirring up a storm that she cannot contain and that may eventually consume her.

It is rather like saying that she identifies more with the English than she does with the Scots and the Welsh whom she regards as nothing more than homicidal and murderous barbarians that once waged war against her ethnic English compatriots!

All this coming from a young lady of colour that is a political leader in a multi-ethnic, multi-religious and multi-cultural country that lays claim to being the epitome of decency and civilisation! What a strange and inexplicable contradiction this is.

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Her intentions are malevolent and insidious and her objective, outside of ridiculing and mocking us, is to divide us and bring us to our knees.

I am constrained to ask, what on earth happened to this creature in her youth and why does she hate Nigeria with such passion?

Did something happen to her when she lived here which she has kept secret?

Kemi Badenoch’s Hate for Nigeria – Femi Fani-Kayode

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The cockroach called Dele Farotimi (1)

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Tunde Odesola

The cockroach called Dele Farotimi (1)

Tunde Odesola

(Published in The PUNCH, on Friday, December 13, 2024)

The official name for cage fight is Mixed Martial Arts. Street fight, known as ‘ìjà ìgboro’ in Yoruba, is the bane of Ibadan people, says the panegyric of Oluyole, the city of brown roofs scattered among seven hills. MMA, I think, is organised street fighting.

But, long before MMA became a global combat sport in 2000, little devils of St Paul Anglican (Primary) School, Idi-Oro, Lagos, and Archbishop Aggey Memorial Secondary School, Mushin, Lagos, engaged in ‘ìjà ìgboro’, the progenitor of Mixed Martial Arts. Retrospectively, I’m guilty of being part of the little devils of both schools.

Because, instead of heeding the ‘blessed are the peacemakers’ injunction in the Holy Scriptures, to ‘inherit the kingdom of God’, what we did as little demons that we were was to add fuel to the embers of hostility smouldering among fellow students.

As soon as you noticed two students in a heated argument, instead of you to sue for peace, the naughty reaction was for you to grab some soil in clenched fists and spread your fists towards the two disputants, daring both pupils to slap one of the outstretched fists: ‘Ení bá lè jà, kó gbon!’

‘Ení bá lè jà, kó gbon!’ was a call to arms. To prove you’re a lionheart ready to fight, you slap the clenched fist open and watch its content pour out to the ground.

So, in a jiffy, you would see friends who were laughing a while ago, engage in a free-for-all instanter. Regrettably, I initiated some of such fights and participated in not a few. You probably can’t grow up in Mushin and be fainthearted.

Taliatu Mudashiru was my friend and classmate in Forms 1 and 2. Occasionally, when I didn’t get dropped off at school by my father, and I had to make it to school on my own, I first trek from our Awoyokun Street residence to Taliatu’s house on Adegboyega Street before both of us would head up to Akinade Ayodeji’s house two blocks away en route to school.

I thought I was stronger than Tali, as we fondly called him, or Pali Tutu (Wet Cardboard) – if the caller was a mischievous classmate – until one day when we disagreed during a break-time chatter involving other classmates.

A peacemaker stepped forward with clenched fists, chanting, ‘K’éyin lè jà, k’émi lé wò’ran, Èsù ta’po si,’ evoking Baba Devil himself. I slapped one of the fists; Tali slapped the other! ‘Ha, Tali ke? I go kill sombodi!’

Toe-to-toe, Tunde rained blows. Tit-for-tat, Tali responded. We upturned desks and seats as the brawl spiralled to the delight of cheering classmates. But it was short-lived as the break-time bell saved the day. We swore at each other but classmates begged us, like peacemakers, to save our punches and wait till after-school hours to throw them.

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After school, excited classmates such as Taliatu Olokodana, Akinade Ayodeji alias Kuruki, Hakeem Adigun alias Slate, Jide Oladimeji alias Agama; Kunle Adeyoju alias Iron Bender, Sunday Pedro Oshokai, Sanmi Okuwobi, Sule Mustapha alias Maito; Olalekan Egungbohun, Kazeem Osuolale alias Oju etc led Tali and me to ‘Ojú Olómo ò to’, an arena so named because no parent or guardian’s eyes ever got to see what happened there.

Only Lukmon Yusuff aka OC, Jide Ajose and Segun Majekodunmi would have separated us if they were around. For his good-naturedness, Jide got the nickname Unreasonable while Segun was called Brother because he belonged to the Deeper Life Church and Yusuff got nicknamed O.C. because of his effectiveness as a football defender.

The ‘Ojú Olómo ò to’ was the playground of a primary school that had closed for the day. Impish classmates sat around the edge of the big field, leaving Tali and I at the centre to unleash the devilry in us.

Tali, bigger and an inch taller, was hoping to use his weight to an advantage, grabbing at me but I knew if he slammed me he would feed me with sand, so I used my fists to keep him off.

We wrestled and boxed and kicked and clawed for God knows how long. There was no referee. There was no timeout. There were only ringside viewers who laughed and cheered every kick and blow and the sight of blood. Tali and I bled all over, spent and gasped for breath.

Then I threw a punch, it caught Tali right in the face, and he first went down in a squat, before flattening out on his back. I should have jumped on him and finished him off, but I was barely breathing. I just left him and I turned away to look for my bag and shoes.

The following day, Tali was looking for me on the assembly ground. He appeared proud of us. He shook hands with me vigorously and we hugged for a long period – like warriors after a pyrrhic victory. He earned my respect, I earned his. Tali probably thought I was a sportsman for not finishing him off when he blanked out, but little did he know that all that was on my mind when he fell was me getting home. I probably would’ve fallen too if the fight had lasted longer.

There are similarities between my fight with Tali and the ongoing fight between one of Nigeria’s heavyweight lawyers, Aare Afe Babalola and human rights activist and lawyer, Mr Dele Farotimi.

I know Nigeria is broken and needs fixing urgently. I know that to fix it, something has to give. I know Nigeria’s coconuts of corruption must be cracked on skulls and the water thereof used as atonement for the nation’s corruption.

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I see many coconuts. I also see the head of Babalola and that of Farotimi. I see other heads, too. But whose skull(s) would crack open the coconuts?

I see a poisonous cockroach encircled by a brood of chickens. Among the chickens is the breed called Supreme. There’s also a breed called Appeal and another breed called High. There’s yet another breed called SANyeri, a name symbolising the breed’s big gowns. The chickens thrust their heads forward, sharply looking right and left, watching intently, communicating in esoteric language. What shall we do to this irritant?

Yet, the cockroach is adamant in the valley of jeopardy, six legs gangling, two antennas roving; person wey wan don die jam person wey wan kill am.

Tali Vs. Tunde. Today, I can’t even remember what caused the disagreement that snowballed into our fight, but I can never forget the pain of the fight. I had thought I would make light work of Tali but I didn’t see his gallantry coming.

Although I’ve never met Baba Babalola, he comes across as a man of commendable philanthropy and frankness. It’s only frankness that could make him stand by the Labour Party and its presidential candidate, Mr Peter Obi, in the 2023 presidential election when the elite of his tribe was queuing behind Asiwaju Bola Tinubu as ‘Shon of the Shoil’.

In the 2023 presidential election, I was neither BATified nor Atikulated just as I wasn’t Obidient. In some articles during the countdown to the election, I called for an overhaul of the 1999 Constitution before the conduct of the general elections, saying none of the presidential candidates would succeed as president if the Constitution wasn’t amended.

I also said there was no ideological difference among the All Progressives Congress, Peoples Democratic Party and Labour Party. If they were different, Nigeria wouldn’t witness six House of Representatives members of the Labour Party defecting to the APC recently, despite LP’s promise of a new Nigeria. While I predict more defections in the coming days, those already defected include Tochukwu Okere (Imo), Daulyop Fom (Plateau), Donatus Matthew (Kaduna), Bassey Akiba (Cross River), Iyawe Esosa (Edo) and Fom Daniel Chollon (Plateau).

In my recommendations, I called for devolution of powers to the states, resource control, independent candidacy and patriotism by the generality of Nigerians for a new order.

And I’ve not repented from my belief that elected Nigerian politicians loot the treasury according to the amount of money available in it, not because one was more decent than the other or one party was better than the other.

This is why I find the anti-corruption campaign of 56-year-old lawyer and human rights activist, Dele Farotimi, assuring though I’m not going to touch the libel stuff just yet.

Although Farotimi is an LP member, his rhetoric resonates with equity, fairness and justice – cornerstones of democracy.

However, there are concave and convex perspectives on the Babalola-Farotimi issue. In secondary school, Physics was intriguing to me, though I found its abstraction intimidating and perplexing. It was in Physics that I learnt about convex and concave lenses. I was taught in secondary school that both lenses are used for correcting short-sightedness and long-sightedness.

Tali died a long time ago. May his soul rest in peace. Baba Afe Babalola is 11 years older than my father who died last March at 84. May the Lord grant Baba Babalola more years in good health, and may he see the end of this war.

To be continued.

Email: [email protected]

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The cockroach called Dele Farotimi (1)

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